An oldie, but a goodie
Wow! Here is a draft I found deep in my Google Drive from back in January 2019. I post because I am proud, almost in disbelief, at how far I come but also as a reminder that you aren’t alone:
My newest attempt at gaining food freedom: Inhaling HiBoy, indulging in Hyvee cookie cake, watching I Feel Pretty and blogging about it afterward.
There is no rhyme or reason to this and my therapist most definitely did not give this task to me as homework. I thought maybe if I went through my usual “final supper” routine but watched something uplifting about accepting yourself and then unpacking all the emotions that were tied to all, I could get to what is under it all.
What keeps coming back to haunt and taunt me even when I think I have it all together?
My best guess: Loneliness & Fear
Loneliness: wanting a partner. someone to share in success and failures. to be fully intimate. questioning my cycles of relationships & holding on to those I shouldn’t.
Fear: what life looks like on the other side. losing my social circles. more loneliness. trusting myself. believing in myself. change—meaning the darkest parts of myself I have grown comfortable with have to go.
Here is what my last two months have truly been like:
It is always over as fast as it starts. I am left feeling full. I am quite literally full--painfully full. I am full of guilt. I am full of disappointment. Why have I chosen to go through this over and over again for the past decade?
In the middle of it, something in me is truly at peace. Quite literally euphoric. I feel settled. The dopamine is released and I am excited and eager for all that I have promised myself that comes next: discipline, plans, success & changes.
Just this one last supper.
But then the feeding frenzy is over. The morsels of food are shoved down in my stomach fighting over who is to be digested first, and I am all of sudden engulfed in shame. Immediately wanting more.
The “buzz” of the consumption is gone and I feel like I am sludging through mud and have no end in sight. I want that feeling again. I want that hope again. I want that “buzz” again. So, I make empty promises to myself and wake up pretending to believe in myself yet look for the opportunity to make a deal with myself: just one more time or just have a little “treat”. But the truth is that I can’t. I am not off the hook. I am not strong enough and I can’t afford to have just even a little “treat.”
I did not lie when I said I have tasted the good life and want to live it every day, but I am still fighting something that is attached to hurt that reaches way down into the depths of my soul. And it has itself wrapped so tightly that at times I feel like it is who I am and this “good” side of me is the false one that needs to be expelled.
An alcoholic wouldn’t have a “cheat” day to then go and be sober again on Monday. I can’t have “cheat” days and I don't do well with reward systems, so I have to accept that this is my lot in life. My burden to carry on an everyday basis. It is not going away. I can’t will it away. No matter how “happy” I am...it will still be lurking in the shadows and whispering in my ear.
Damn. Not the best writing or most coherent. But I can vividly recall so many weeks, months and years of that cycle.
Binge. Promises. Binge. Promises. Binge.
And like I said, “it was just my lot in life” but is it? Nah, fam.
That girl could not see a way out. She could not see life on the other side. In all honestly, I think she liked being there sometimes.
But fast forward to 2024: I do not feel like the demon I was fighting has a grip on my soul. I do not feel like it is a cross I am bearing every day and I don’t feel hopeless.
I do have treats. And no one is whispering in my ear “you are worthless” or “look at you doing it again”
Sure, I am not some fully healed feening foodie, but damn, I am not that girl anymore.
I wish I had some one-stop-shop solution for y’all, but I think it is just years of acceptance, hard truths, self-work and never giving up on yourself!
